Are you more familiar with the complete musical works of the Tweenies than you are the new Lady Gaga record? Is the Iggle Piggle theme tune on constant replay inside your head? Do you find yourself spontaneously breaking into song and dance routines in public places in a desperate effort to postpone yet another crying fit? In short, does your entire existence feel like you’re living in a bad – and we’re talking Andrew Lloyd Webber bad – kiddie musical?

If the answer to any of the above is yes, don’t worry, it’s completely normal. You’re just suffering from a minor mental disorder brought on by being a mother and being bombarded by horrific plinky, plastic ‘music’ during every waking moment of your life.

Other symptoms include: Musically intoning ‘eh-oh’ instead of hello, and saying ‘tubby bye-bye’ instead of good bye – to other adults. Mouthing the words to ‘Yummy yummy yummy, I’ve got love in my tummy,’ every time you eat or drink anything. Walking across the living room floor and accidentally setting off three different versions of ‘If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands’ from various hideous discarded toys. Lying awake at night trying to remember the final line of ‘There was an old lady who swallowed a fly’.

All together now: you are the music man – you come from down my way– and you can play, what can play – you play the piano. Pi-pi pi-ano, pi-ano, pi-ano… (continue until time itself grinds to a halt)