Before you had your baby, you had a vision in your head of your nursery. It would be painted a serene milky white with a few incredibly tasteful wooden toys scattered around, perhaps one or two embroidered throw cushions. Basically it looked like the inside of The White Company store.

‘I will only buy wooden toys,’ you said to yourself. ‘I know everyone else succumbs to mountains of Plastic Crap everywhere, but I alone will have a beautiful, tasteful modern house full of enchanting things for children. A vintage rocking horse, an old-fashioned teddy bear with movable limbs, a picture book-worthy Jack-In-The-Box…

Ha. As if. Like any infant under the age of about 9 wants anything that isn’t fluorescent yellow and made of toxic materials that will clog up the planet for the rest of eternity. See that tasteful white cloth bunny rabbit? Not interested. And that lovely wooden spinning top? Give me a break, I’m six months old. I want garish, ugly, Plastic Crap. Playing god-awful music and irritating sounds. Now!

And because you wanted some peace and quiet, you gave in. But sometimes, in quieter moments, you still daydream about that nursery and those gorgeous wooden toys.